I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
That guy youre talking to looks like Brian from Family Guy.
I puked in the cab and in my hair and he didnt even know
I think I just sold my virginity for plane tickets
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
3rd rule of buttsex she must be clean and shower recently
and skipped dinner
i just got on a party bus. i think i left my belly button at the bar.
Bathrooms are cool, I think Im just gonna hang out here for a bit.
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
So I love how we keep introducing our friends to sex toys. It's like pay it forward vibrator edition.
I would've hung out with you if I had the capacity to do anything besides fall over and pee on things
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
he won't tell me his last name, but I know his garage key code
Randomize
