I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
You know that bakery that Sandra Bullock's sister owns?
The one in Montpelier?
yeah, well it doesn't exist anymore. VT's one fucking claim to fame closed.
Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
doooooooo herrrrrrrrr
I'm out of practice. be my yoda
put your penis in her you must.
Just did the walk of shame across state lines...milestone?
so i used to love airports for the escalators... now its the bars... then the escalators after the bars
Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
I am drinking at a movie theater seeing a children's movie, 2nd time this week
Grad practice is like a live scrapbook of my drunken sexual encounters
Sometimes you just need a break, and sometimes you also need to get stoned on these breaks. I sound like some kind of fucked up mr rogers when I say shit like that.
Well were gunna have to wash the couch cover now...maybe even the couch, soap or fire your decision
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
Your boyfriend and I are bonding over your giant dick.
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
It's not even 8:30a, wine glass is broken, there's sugar everywhere, and your mom just asked me what MILF means.
Randomize
