matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
Say something about gay babies.
then she said "on the count of three I think we should apologize to eachother"
hey got me stoned for the first time when i was 14. there is no bond stronger
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
You have to stop getting hammered and preaching about that mission trip to Haiti.
I found an HIV test/information brochure on the kitchen table and what i can only assume to be an "I'm sorry you might have AIDS" gift bag, complete with a candle and popcorn, and I haven't seen you in 36 hours. You good?
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
Well if she's the kinda girl that doesn't want you after seeing a pic of your balls squeezed together, she's not the girl for you.
At the bar, some guy bumped into you and you screamed "hey, don't touch what you can't afford sunshine!"
She was giving me head, and a cop pulled up next to us. I freaked when he looked over at me, but so did he and rear ended the car in front of him.
My professor just told my lab he could drive us around town in his 1991 Lincoln towncar limo for our bar crawl. This just keeps getting better!
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