You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
we tried have sex after i gave him a handjob. he wouldnt get hard and kept saying his little boy is broken.. please come get me
You told him how lucky he was to be an elephant and kept trying to grab his "trunk"
I had sex with her because I didn't want to hurt her feelings.. You're the one who told me I should be more sensitive.
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
She's just done the monthly not prego dance around our kitchen
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
ripping the fire alarm off the wall probably seemed like a better idea last night than it really was.
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
The struggles of a small town man whore
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
Randomize
