Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
I didn't say she couldn't, I said you shouldn't.
she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
I don't like finding out that my fuck buddy is a good person.
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
Whatever you didn't send me pics of you topless making bacon
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
I put miralax in my rum/coke. Go hard or go home.
I asked him to have birthday sex with me via xbox live
College is really paying off. I am gonna be a great teacher. I just made a grading sheet for weed. This shit got an A.
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
Randomize
