Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
this episode of spongebob makes me wish crabby patties were real
First of all...stop making excuses. Second of all...Fuck the surgeon generals warning
sometimes i wish i was a boob, they get to chill in soft and cuddly little cup things.
So I gave him a handjob and now we aren't friends anymore
You're at Notre Dame. What did you expect?
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
We had to leave the bar because you were trying to show the bartender your boobs for water.
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
it's not like i was drunk to the point of NEEDING help...i just wanted someone to offer to hold my hair or something.
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
I thought I was invisible, then some guy flashed his high beams at me and I realized my lights weren't on...not invisible.
And all you did was hit on me and do things "for America", so you weren't judged heavily
He literally wrote out a schedule. On it, there's a taco break, and a spot where I start crying.
Will you fuck me while I eat my burrito though? I'm kind of hungry.
That was a beautiful concert to sleep through ...
I know - Don't let me take drugs from strangers anymore
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