it's not like i was drunk to the point of NEEDING help...i just wanted someone to offer to hold my hair or something.
Send us your Text From Last Night!
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
ill give you the fast version. Hooked up with 17 year old coworker while housestting for my boss
If you're fucking that other dude, I'll take the sloppy seconds. I don't care.
Ya bro it was wild. Hey, is latex digestible?
You know summer is almost over when ur school booty calls start hitting u up as if solidifying their spot in drunken mistakes for next semester
I found your bra. How you get it off the satellite dish is your problem.
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
Results of pregaming honors college basketball social: 18 points, 3 blocks, and 3 flagrant fouls leading to 2 broken bones on former valedictorians. I'm doing this more often.
If drinking before honors events and injuring our universities brightest doesn't get you kicked out of the program, you're not trying hard enough.
yea i really dont care about the sex, i just want him to eat my vag. He has to be good at because of his tremors.
I walked in on you rubbing your nose all over his face while straddling him and yelling "I'M SO SORRY!" repeatedly. I'd say you were in pretty good shape at that point in the night.
I just sat there and watched paula deen's face melt for an hour.
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
There's a good chance a guy sucked off my right earring last night
I left myself a trail of jello shots, that ended at his door. OR maybe he left me a trail of jello shots at his door. DO I GO IN!?
If this wasn't a work function my tits would be out already.
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
I dislocated my rib eating pizza. I think I am broken.
I can't wait to go to grad school so I am not your high unemployed friend.
Believe it or not, Travis and I simultaneously breaking beer bottles over eachothers heads was not a good idea.
as you might have guessed from my lack of texts, the herpes have calmed down.
I'm just saying, margarita tuesday would turn anyone gay.
We are going to get clementines. And shoot them out of a ballon launcher. That's after we come up to the ivy with a bullhorn and reck havoc. Where are you.
So how many licks to the face does it take to get kicked out of the bar?
you trust me enough to eiffel tower a girl but don't trust me with a mallet wtf happened to our friendsship
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
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