i will never coherently bang her
Omg i either met the gayest dude ever or my next boyfriend
Because the last time i saw or spoke to him he came all over me in a hammock.
I finally won that bet on when the anorexic girl would pass out at the gym. You owe me 10 now
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I feel like shaving is just admitting i'm gonna do him, even though im still on the fence
shave. it'll take 10 min. Better safe than hairy.
It's 4th of July all over again, we were chasing with the pool water.
Just went through the drive thru and got 18 free donuts in exchange for half a joint. Dunkin Donuts at midnight might become a nightly thing for us.
He said in a slur "I go so hard, even when I..." and cut himself off by projectile vomiting all over the ice luge.
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
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I am still sore from last night. I can't wait for you to meet my parents.
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
Dude, she doesn't even live here... She just can't eat all our food and masturbate on my dog's couch...
You're just gonna have to make the sacrifice man.
I'm trying to hide in the table.
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
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