the elusive kegmastree, who's mystery is only exceeded by it's power
there is laundry and salad ALL OVER my car, i need context
i just had to hear from a third party that he came inside of me
Woke up with a full plate of KFC next to my face. I didn't really question it.
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
Let's play, "guess how long my Neighbours have been watching me dance naked".
We bonded over the fact that we each, separately, got arrested on the same weekend.
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
Is that a polar bear? You seriously grinded with a polar bear at the club?
You are one of my favorite baseball you have fun today
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
My throw up tasted like pumpkin, fall is right around the corner.
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
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