I texted him to clear the air a bit, apologized if I freaked him out. No reply. So I'm gonna go ahead and fuck someone in a barn tonight.
is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
just did the walk of shame by his grandma. what the fuck is an old lady doing up at six am?
Have u Seen that eharmony commercial where the guy goes " I don't know how I could love her anymore, but tomorrow I will'. Yeah that guy should kill himself
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
I only have two playlists on my iPod. One for when im getting drunk, one for when I'm getting high. Is this something to be worried about?
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
she was stripping to whiskey lullaby. most depressed boner.
You are very nonchalant about the high probability of us having an orgy.
Eh, I'm ok with this, this can work. We're the best kind of the worst people.
oh no, don't get me wrong.. she IS really pretty. If you are in to horses or Sarah Jessica Parker.
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
please, i've had weekends with less dignity than this.
I hope you get stoned and think that you're a seal in shark infested waters
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
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