Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
So you know how craigslist used to have an "erotica" section? And how after you click on a link it changes a darker color? And how Dad stays up really late most nights?
Oh god... well at least he's gettin some. Mom's a prude.
i fucked a milf yesterday.
i'm not impressed, in this generation that could technically mean a 16 year old.
Just so we're on the same page, we cannot have been the first people to have ever thought about shooting that guy with crossbow
This is one of those times where I really wish my vagina could tell me what happened last night.
there were staples in my comforter. what kind of sex did we even have?
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
hey this is Madison. you gave me your number last night and asked me to remind you that you didn't fuck anyone. you okay?
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
He made the Waffle House lady get me out of the car. This isn't a joke.
I can always pull a half day at work too. My boss makes exceptions for drug use. Lol. I fucking love my job.
Next time you have him paint you an outfit so you can do you walk the street naked TAKE A SHOWER BEFORE YOU GET IN THE BED. MY sheets look like like an acid trip
Hungover on St. Patrick's Day. I did this backwards.
Randomize
