I wish you could see the look on my boss's face right now.
wtf?
Before you passed out in the middle of the NHL 10 party you had to prove that you were a better fighter than Patrick Kane. Your not. Thanks for the black eye dipshit.
There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
I've officially decided that whoever created hate sex should be on my christmas card list.
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
Penises. Everywhere.
You're. Welcome.
how exactly do you say, "i only agreed to meet you for breakfast because i thought we could go to your place and fuck afterwards."
How high are you?
I feel like breakfast can just fly into my mouth
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
He came to my Harry Potter marathon wearing a Hogwarts uniform. Of course I fucked him.
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
Let's take a shot for every time we've said "I don't want to get that drunk tonight"
Hey I didn't mean to come across like I was judging you about your liberal sexual choices. I would like details of your threesome if you need to talk about it!
help. his tongue is stuck. Its not what you think. Hurry.
Randomize
