wait can you just look around please? that was my favorite bra and i've already asked like 3 other guys
You threw a bottle at the bartender and then stole his tip jar. However, you were quickly KO'd by the bartender. Solid right hook.
So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
Cute underage boy is in my house.
OH MY GOD. DON'T DO ANYTHING. WHY IS HE IN YOUR HOUSE.
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
I need to you to send me drugs via FedEx
Cooked. Eating pizza. Didn't have a napkin so I took my shirt off and I'm using it.
Facebook just reminded me of the time I found two IHop cheese sticks in my hand bag. Those were the days.
So I slept with some guy last night and when I woke up in the am couldnt remember his name. I text him n asked "How do you spell your name?" to try n find out and all he replied was "With an A." WTF!?
Dude I love you. So much. Thank u. I'm safea. In allysi lns car. Mine towed. If u loved me ud leand me 500 in the morning. Sleep on it nd let me know.
Not to be hella graphic on main but I just came so hard I think I saw a new color.
Randomize
