You're completely useless in the revolution.
i may or may not be watching the land before time
did u really fuck my little sister???
im not saying yes or no but just know that my answer rhymes with "mess"
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
This is the last pregnancy scare i've had since i was 12 and i thought you could get pregnant from masturbating.
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
It has been so long since I got any action that I have decided to change my vagina's name from "the chamber of judgement" to "the cave of forgotten dreams".
so hungover. I'm actually considering eating the snow off the roof so I don't have to leave my bed
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
Are you opposed to me trying out your penis?
Someone made a Christmas song to the Flintstones theme and I'm suing for emotional distress.
Randomize
