This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
You know... If I put the same amount of effort into school as I put into giving women orgasms I would be a Rhodes scholar
Next time we go to the river, we nominate you to flash people for free booze. Your tits are the biggest.
He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
WTF WHY ARE YOU STILL NOT DOING A BEER BONG?! THE TOILET CLOG CAN WAIT
After we smoked, the cops questioned us but i just asked if he wanted to join our basketball team.
I woke up alone at my apt. On the floor with the door wide open, but still. Success.
i think we should start charging the bum that sleeps on our porch rent..
Hahahaaa There's this one girl crying hysterically and wrapped around (i believe) her ex's leg. He's trying to shake her off without spilling his beer. This is fucking priceless.
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
For a second I thought that you were becoming a decent person again. I am glad I was wrong.
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
Im not as flexible as I once was, but I still managed to get eaten out in the front seat of a hummer behind keddies.
Randomize
