I can't wait until next week, when I find out what drunk me added to the Netflix queue.
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
He woke me up at 4am just to lick my nipple. Then he talked in his sleep for 20 minutes about the sex we just had. I think it's safe to say he's a weird one, but I dont care cuz he fucks like a champ.
I love my boobs, they're the only thing that supports me. They make me a solid 6.
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
I blacked out before two in the afternoon yesterday. Now that's a successful birthday.
Just walk straight and zig zag through cars tell you get to the road. That's where I am. Perpendicular to the doors do not make any turns
you should probably know that there's a naked dude in your window
i wouldn't normally say anything but you seem to not be there
Can you get the drug form of snow for the blizzard this weekend?
Just at the gym drinking. We call it treadmillcolada
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
YOUUUU FUCKING FURRYYYY
I DIDN'T COME HERE TO BE SLANDERED LIKE THIS
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
We keep making plans but he keeps getting arrested. Such a tease
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