I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
Just cleaned up my puke with my lecture notes.
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
i'm going through an 80s music phase. and by phase i mean i will only have sex to white snake
i decided i'll just settle for a gay guy who can manage to fuck me like the straight guys do. but here i go again, talking about my dream man.
i wish it would rain vodka just once. i have not puked yet bring it on
I mean your new thing is losing body parts and feeling colors so its not like we are hurting for entertainment
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
I wonder if go pro can customize a cock ring so I don't have to hold the camera anymore
The dominatrix coworker is currently listening to pop music that has been translated into an Irish dialect and sung by high school kids. Every day gets weirder here.
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
Randomize
