Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
i chipped my tooth tryin to cut thru her pantyhose. that stuff is bulletproof.
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
2 classes, 3 finals, and $30 worth of adderall until this semester is over.
I'm just high and in my robe and I would suck a dick for some pizza rolls. I can't talk about your problems right now
Except there is my pee all over the walls now
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
lesson #1 of freshman year: grinding with a sombrero is difficult
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
Dude where are you? I've been here an hour and all I've done is get head from a random in the stairwell.
Ive fucked up. im like a feral dog rabidly chasing an infrequent dream amidst a cataclysm of disaster
Also I'm proud of us for having an educational conversation in this group text.
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
I smell like heartbreak.
Tequila and sloppy rebound sex?
How did you know?
Randomize
