That's what you get when you play shuffleboard drunk.
I had to puke in a pizza box on the drive home. People saw.
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
well most of my day revolves around power hour
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
Staying in I think. Boyfriend has domesticated me. I'm making eggs naked right now. Also really high.
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
I wonder if her husband knows I have my own drawer at the apartment
sorry bout that man. went out to pay the pizza boy, ended up hooking up with some random drunk girl that thought i was someone else
I have cum and leaves all over me. Don't ask questions.
Who needs sounds of the ocean? I just fall asleep to whatever chubby he is banging next door.
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
Is it too far to say to someone "you're useless for everything besides sex"
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
Randomize
