Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
I made myself breakfast and everything and then whoever's house it actually was came downstairs very upset.
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
nothing says "we're all in this together" like the herpes she passed around to our entire group of friends
If we get out of this alive, I'm never going to a Denny's at 3 am again.
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I may have just poured a honey apple beer onto a dried apple slice to rehydrate it. This is my day.
The memory of your penis haunts me. I must learn to be satisfied with lesser men than you.
You kept ranting how Captain Planet is getting shortchanged in the superhero department. Other than that you kept it together
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
Everytime I give him head I make him rub my back. Teamwork at it's finest.
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
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