Hahahhahaha! Oooh get it! Ugh I am so dead but if I go to the lib whuich I will hopefully b havung sex instead, ill hit u up
i'm so high i feel like the people i'm chatting with online can some how see that i'm naked.
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
i think the doormans mad at me
well we haven't pretended to pretend we were going to have a threesome with him for a while...
Even my vagina gasped.
UPDATE: lighting the grill with Bacardi. Haven't slept. Forgot the hamburger buns. Almost out of our eighth handle.
I used puppy pads next to the couch for her to throw up on....
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
As long as you're naked and covered in glow paint, I'm there.
the bruise you left on my ass looks like africa. the other just looks like a hand.
She posted a pic of her bf on ig wishing him a happy bday at midnight. She then proceeded to have sex with me. Who is the bday boy again?
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
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