Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
i am devastated. she was DTF and I was about to puke, i told her to wait outside my room for a second. Puked. Passed out woke up, she was gone. Found puke stains on my keyboard that seem to spell out youporn....
Just bought lingerie with the intention of wearing it as a shirt. It's going to be that kind of weekend.
You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
i would eat my own dick if it were covered in nutella
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
My dealer's mom died on christmas eve. Is it too soon to see if he's holding?
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
I wore pigtails while I was having sex with that 22 year old just to make him feel like a pedophile.
You can say goodbye to our security deposit.
Already? What he do?
Opened a bag of topsoil at the party and spread it all over the living room. TOPSOIL!
I don't know where I'm at. But I'm pretty sure what I'm looking at is a small bear.
Maybe you should slow down tonight...
KINGS DON'T NEED ADVICE FROM LITTLE HORN-BILLS FOR A START
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