you might get a letter about the baby you put in me. i was mad when i sent it.
I asked her if she had any t-shirts of bands that didn't suck. I got a Sublime shirt and my answer.
the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
I hate that the only Italian aspect of me is I get red and sweaty when I drink
i guess this means i'm going to be wearing knee socks during sex again
i dont mean to point any fingers but there is a lot of urine in the kitchen
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
It felt like he was juggling my kidneys with the head of his penis... If you could even call it that, it was more like a lochness monster. Huge and mythical.
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
So looks like I applied to adopt a dog last night. I'm completely ok with this
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
9 am booty call on your ex's birthday. Fuck yea
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