I haven't had sex in so long I'll probably find some stranger, feel guilty, go w/o sex for several months and do it all over again...always something to look forward to
i have yet to find a random guy that would make me want to do any position besides missionary, these are what normal people call "applying standards"
My cousin's wedding had personal beer funnels for each table and a drinking game against the bride and groom. im sorry for ever calling you white trash
i am pregamming alone in my car. scale of 1-10 how alcoholic is that
im pretty sure thats an 11
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
True friendship; bangin a girl to get ur friends hat back
She sucked her thumb until she was 17. It's like my dick was born to be in her mouth.
Just traded a samurai sword for some drugs. It's gonna be one random ass night
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Would you mind pretending to be lesbians just for like three emails?
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
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