I was about to go down on her and her dong flopped out and hit me in the chin. This may have a Nam like post-traumatic-stress-disorder effect on me.
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
Hypothetical question: If I threw up in the dishwasher do I clean it up or just turn it on? :(
I may have pooped in your shoe. or somewhere else in your closet. its unclear.
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
I guarantee that wasn't the first penis someone placed on her forehead.
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
Never thought going to McDonald's alone at 3 AM would end with a blowjob outside some random girl's apartment...
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
just ran into my father at CVS while buying condoms...he winked at me. I really need to move out of this town.
Randomize
