Went to gas station for smokes. three cops pulled in. got gas i didn't need. found diff gas station.
good choice.
We're so high we're finding things in the room to build a submarine with. So far we have two cardboard boxes, a piece of wood, puffy paint, and an empty bottle to use as a periscope.
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
I feel like I should lick our pitcher just so everyone knows its ours
No no no. When you take one for the team, there are no stipulations or conditions
there were staples in my comforter. what kind of sex did we even have?
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
i admit it was a weird experience, but why regret what once made you cum
Man in California was arrested for killing and eating a wild bobcat while high on crystal meth. Let's please NEVER get that high on anything...
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
It was the scariest thing ever having a flame that close to my balls...
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
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