sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
I wish all the girls i wanted to sleep with knew how big my dick was then id have a better chance
Jason Williams (yeah the ex-nets center...) drunkenly told me that, while drinking, I should take an ambien and a cialis before i go home...that will "give me a 25 minute window to have sex and then goto sleep before the bitch starts bothering me"....
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
And there might be a gallon of sangria without the lid on the floor in your room. Just be careful when you open the door.
First week back and I made to one class, its gonna be okay after all.
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
should we try and roll a cross joint since its good friday? you know, for jesus
I used an explanation of Walking Marriages in the Mosuo Culture to successfully negotiate an open relationship. That Anthropology degree is finally starting to pay off.
Hi. Tara tells me your sandwiches and stamina are substantial
Matched with the lumberjack. Here's your wedding invite.
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
Bro I rebuilt the dungeon in animal crossing visit me
Broooo
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