just learned how to wash a penis. thank you nursing school for getting me the most action i've had in months.
Getting drunk now, but later remind me to tell you how to crash an 8th grade grad party.
Be careful there's warming lubricant on the floor. I will clean and explain later.
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
you had me at cake vodka
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
How do you explain to a guy that he's like a little puppy dog that you play with, but then leave at the shelter to go home to your German Shepard?
Have you ever just like not slept in so long that everything looks like a lava lamp?
me + whiskey = a bad person
You brought string cheese to the strip club
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
Randomize
