how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
Sex on a kitchen table is not as amazing as they make is seem in the movies.
Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
How sober do you have to be to donate blood?
We got really high and decided it would be a good idea to wash towels in the dishwasher. I left before I could see the final result.
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
That would be an interesting position... Not entirely certain how that'd work!
Gravity is no match for my libido
If I get there and all he has for my big valentines surprise is his body, I'm dumping his ass and posting his dirty pictures on a porn site so people can laugh at him.
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
Is there such thing as dick sucking teeth guards?
My party ended early and I have a mountain of shrimp and weed
Why are you barefoot at a strip club?
See I just want a dick that I don`t have to deal with or talk to unless it is inside me. Is that so much to ask for?
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
Randomize
