White wifebeaters are like orgies with fat people. Enjoyable in private, i'm sure, but in public: no thanksss.
I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
just got passed by a van of kids watching the little mermaid. debating speeding so i can watch
Didn't u have court just yesterday for ur driving?
IT'S THE LITTLE MERMAID! totally worth another year of probation
high. he's playing 'oops i did it again' on the ukelele. is this real life?
Being at this stripclub only reinforces how single I am. And I was *just* becoming okay with that.
I left my pipe in my center console with a bowl packed when I took my car to the shop, and when I picked it up the weed had been smoked, but my oil change was only half price.
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"
Sailor Jerry came over for the evening. It was a magical evening. I didn't even get puke in the house.
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
I found a video of us drunkenly yelling "we wanna be the Pope" as we passed around the blunt
I am talking to a naked lesbian about robots. I think this means I win life.
Never in my life did I expect to see Eric's mom in a cheerleader outfit along with other women
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