I want to walk on stilts...naked
woke up 7 floors down in the lobby...i my underwear. New high or new low?
New experience?
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
Did my good deed for the day.. Helped an old guy hide his beer on the NJ transit while the ticket lady came by
All in all only spent $2 at the bar ln... Fucking love having a vagina
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
I'm pretty sure ignoring the person that just sent you a picture of their boobs is bad nude etiquette.
I woke up on the green space outside our dorm cradling a watermelon and sucking my thumb. College is crazy man.
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
I aimed for bossy but it came out slutty
I still dont see how i drunkenly impressed your mom
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
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