no, its his 'welcome back from rehab' party.
She said "I only hook up with guys I'm dating"
So... What happend then?
We dated for an hour, i broke up with her after. BOOM.
That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
Yeah, well I just made $600 while taking a shut cause two diff clients called while I was in here. Tell me being a lawyer doesn't kick ass.
You said you were going to take the sideview mirror to your own car so that nobody would steal it. Thats why you woke up with it.
All i remember is Liz dragging me home yelling at me, crying, and barfing
I think I just used lyrics from the Sister Sister theme song to let a guy down easy...
Its like the two hemispheres of my brain are in a death match but are two evenly matched for either side to win kinda drunk.
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
You don't care if I shave my legs, but you insist I be conscious for sex. Whatever. I really think your priorities are out of whack.
I feel like you're gonna be reading this at 6 AM in a ditch or under a bridge, but please remember...I offered to drive you home. And you said no.
The sad thing is that it's 6:45 and you're not far off.
I asked him for something to clean up with after sex and he handed me a sham wow. A SHAM WOW
I may or may not be setting up an encounter with a foot fetishist just because I'm curious.
extra points if i make kids and or the elderly cry
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
Randomize
