I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
So do you want to come over? ;)
Never again opening up the Pandora's box of crazy that is your vagina. Sorry.
upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
Where can I buy a trophy for a Groupie Award?
She had sex with a merch guy. . . band guys make you groupies, Merch guys just means she's easy.
I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
TOMORROW NIGHT CAN I HOLD YOU LIKE A BABY
She gained 35 lbs and has an ankle bracelet, time for new booty call.
She's drinking vodka out of a windex bottle. She is spraying it in her mouth and at strangers.
well I think it'll pretty much be gone by Saturday. On a scale of 1- Snooki's unborn child how much do periods freak you out?
I walked into her room to find her sitting on the end of her bed with her heads in her hands talking to herself. She kept muttering things like "What? How? No. What? I don't --- How?" $10 says she's pregnant.
I'll see to your $10 and raise you $40.
I wish my nipples were as well behaved as yours.
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
You've been inside me, dude. There's no such thing as TMI.
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
Randomize
