There's a "art of the blow job" class in the city. We should go
Baby, I'm all set with that. That would be like trying to teach bruce lee how to kick someone in the head
he made me salute his american flag boxers before i took them off
She tags her boyfriend in all of her pictures on her heart...
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
Why i have shady connections. Owner just txt me asking to come by and judge the new stripper.
The worst part about getting "creative" and by that i mean baked is that i just wanna get laid right now and all im doing is eating nachos
I started crying then my dog licked his dick so yeah.. Kind of ruined the moment.
I feel like drug tests are a little less "random" when you are employed by your father.
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
I just smoked by myself in my childhood bedroom, how happy does it seem I am to be home for Christmas?
Life lesson... stop having side pieces that know each other...ffs.
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
I woke up with my winter coat on, next to a polaroid of me, her and a swan...so no I don't remember our conversation.
If we both don't have awesome filthy sexual experiences to share in the morning...we are no longer best friends.
Randomize
