you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
No one even knew you were hurt until we saw the multiple cuts to prove it, and when we asked what happened all you could say was "I fell out"
i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
after i talked him through a bulleted list of why we couldn't have sex he just said "but it would be fun...."
He's under the table sobbing because he doesn't live in a taco if you ever get him this high again I will stab you
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
Nothing worse then being at the gym on the elliptical next to a guy looking at porn on his phone
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
He propositioned me for a threesome once so yeah I'd say he has what it takes to run for public office
And he put my hair in my clip while i blew him...and he did a good job
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
I got home and found him passed out in my tank top so i think i'll put lipstick on him and mass text a picture to everyone in his phone. that's what he gets for eating all my wheat thins
I just found your "it's drinking time" note in my chem notes. Why did this never happen??
I was waiting for you to find it...I'll be over in 5
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