hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
when did my "fat clothes" just become my clothes...diet starts tomorrow
Her parents walked in on us. So for my birthday they bought me a blow-up doll with their daughters face on it. I don't know what to think right now.
Lauren she was gnawing on a dresser. Gnawing. On. A. Dresser.
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
Tell him I thought his Superman stand on your bed and cum all over your back was quite funny
Keep your head up. His game is good, and you should be honoured to be a notch on his wall. If it makes you feel better, if it wasn't you, it was going to be me.
When I left you were in the shower in your socks throwing up screaming it was blood but it was "ok" cuz it's recyclable. By the way it was kool aid.
Just did an entire nights worth of bar crawl in an hour. Boom
This is not a test of the emergency warning system. He has broken my vagina. I repeat he has broken my vagina. Damn it was good.
Pregaming at Jodi's. Ten minutes
Thought it was at Brad's?
Pregaming the pregame. Need alcohol before I can see that dick.
Hey. You got pizza and sex. How much more can you ask for?
It’s a hundred kinds of wrong to do Jell-O shots at home alone. Right?
I support drinking alone. But Jell-O shots. That’s a game changer.
She pooped on me during a reverse cowgirl. And it wasn't a little bit either.
Randomize
