Whenever I miss you I just turn on Tool Academy
You broke out your mechano set and told us you were gonna "build us a beer machine" and 5 min later you were fast asleep
It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
We agreed to not shave eyebrows when someone is passed out. douchebag.
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
She's cheated on every boyfriend she's ever had with the same guy. She's like a slutty yo-yo.
I'm blaming hurricane Irene if I get pregnant tonight.
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
We learned many a lesson today about drug use in canoes
Do you think it's wrong for me to hop on that dick before he realizes that he's gay?
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
How many fucks given?
0.12846
My liver needs me to go back to work asap.
Randomize
