Those former-lesbian gone white-trash bars always seem to be your favorite.
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
We just shotgunned beers for America
how was it?
he was petting the bushes because they were "napkins"
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
All I wanted was a hug. You dirty, dirty whore.
Nothing like moscato in your sinuses tobmake your night complete
I have a new game. It's called "how weird can you act before a guy won't fuck you". I've deducted most guys are willing even if you're batshit insane.
Just once I'd like to do blow in a nice bathroom.
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
why do all the dudes in this porno look like billy ray cyrus
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
Currently playing charity bingo with coworkers so if u were ever gonna send a dick pic now is the time
Yeah she let me pull the goalie and wear my USA flag like a cape since it was the first day of the world cup
Randomize
