OMG MY MOM JUST ASKED IF I WAS GETTING PAP SMEAR TOMORROW VERY LOUDLY WHILE WE ARE STANDING IN A VERY PUBLIC LINE.
i had just passed the point of no return when my mom opened my door. I hid my dick and took the porn off the computer in time but i still had to explain my day at school to her WHILE i was jizzing in my pants.
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
omfg. get on facebook. the science olympiad team had a rave.
please come over and have sex with me so we can talk about prom and kill 2 birds with one condom
I'm riding in a wheelchair, being pulled by a golf cart. You need to be here.
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
Your list of "good ideas" thumbtacked to the lampshade last night consisted of nothing but "tampon-pen" with a note indicating that girls could then always have something to write with, even naked.
Dude if her licking my face hammered isn't love I don't really want to know what love is.
Thats Poetry
Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat dat dat dat dat ~uterus contraction~
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
This girl just said she was late for class because she was having sex.
That butt dial turned into a booty call.
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
It was like Lady and the Tramp, but just tramp and the tramp. And instead of spaghetti and meatballs, we had whiskey and cups
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