Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
i almost hope i AM knocked up so i can ruin the rest of his life
Well we didn't hook up. Maybe from his girlfriend's point of view, but not mine.
I cleared a drunken path to my bed for you. If you hit clothes you've gone too far.
Can we end it on a good note at least? Can we fuck and then never talk again?
This weekend was suppose to be a 'smoke weed and stare at things' weekend. Not a 'spend all my rent money partying with Europeans till 8 am' weekend
Yeah but those French chicks did get naked
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
High enough to ask the woman at best buy if she ever feels like she's swimming. and telling the man outside that he smells like happy juice.
Good news! I don't have Hep C! Better news! I still hate you!
Please. I don't care how shitty his fake life story was. As horny as I was I just wanted the prettiest man possible in case I accidentally got pregnant. He had blue eyes.
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
Wow this just keeps getting better, weed, shrooms, a stripper..........a gun.
This is my life. Currently ordering a gift for my straight married girlfriend's husband from my lesbian married girlfriend.
Randomize
