i dont need a football game to get drunk and yell at my tv
and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
Awesome. My fame will spread to DC... As will the herpes.
And it was confirmed to me that I did in fact cut my girlfriend out of her dress with my sword.
well at that point we were just fucking to keep warm.
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
I haven't gotten it in awhile but since spring break is next week I'm willing to have a pregnancy scare if it means no bleeding through the suit
Yeah wouldn't want it to interfere with beach sex. Nothing should interfere with beach sex
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
The chick who threw the party was all pissed cause she thought I made out with her boyfriend. Admittedly, I did, but she was throwing up and crying at the time so she really can't be that mad.
That accounts for only three of the penises
Human centipede...with the teletubbies. That's what my nightmare had in it.
I don't even want to know.
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
Sorry for trying to wake you up by slapping your ass with a fruit 2 go.
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
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