I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
So you refered to him as "monster dick"...not so much
John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
yea im pretty sure it has something do with my love of forearms...
There's an official council for his ex boyfriends. They told me they 'look forward to the day I join them'.
I think my sister is getting tired of me breaking into her house so I can sleep with random girls when shes not there
best. trip. ever. this is going to be too much fun. petland isnt going to know what hit them.
I don't think eating half of a pickle out of my mouth counts as getting to know me
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
I needed to bring way more fireball to class to match this professors intensity
my morning attempts to try to have sex with him was interrupted by the passion of the christ parade going on outside my house
Can I use your boat
Also, what’s the deal with international water? Do they have signs out there like a city does or do I need a map?
WTH is going on? It’s the middle of the night
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