Is it because I queefed?
He is like the real live version of the state fair..
My friend is getting herself a tramp stamp that says "property of the half blood prince".
first day of class and my professor asked me if i was going to come to class drunk all semester.
So help me Jesus we're never drinking together again. But weekends don't count. Amen.
and I'm sitting five inches from the tv scrunched up in a ball watching doug. It's like I'm five again...except I'm more stoned than the dude who created this show
They want me to get them some X for there wedding present. I'm on the way to get it now
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
I had to steal sneakers from my man of the night. I dipped. But then realized I left my purse in his house. So I had to stash the shoes in some bushes and wait for him on the stoop. Then after he watches me leave, I run back and get the shoes cuz I didn't wanna be taking my hour long journey home through London at 3 pm in my six inch wedges and club dress
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
In another note. Thanks for making me get a vibrator. For real.
She's blowing me while I'm watching air jaws. I love shark week.
i think im in europe. pls send help
What do you mean not that crazy? I had sex last night. with my\nBOSS. in the restaurant where we WORK.... ON A DINNER TABLE.
Randomize
