last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
We got to the party at eleven, and the host was already in the hospital from being stabbed. And she brought the stabber home with us when we left.
Hold on I'm doing something revolutionary that blossomed from a high idea
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
I'll just save you what dignity you have left by letting what happened die with your lack of memory and/or liver.
I would have been very attracted to her had she not been reading me my Miranda Rights
Girls at BYU need to learn how to handle a penis. I swear my date last night was trying to pull it off my body to use later.
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
He left me alone in a hotel room my last night in town to go home to jerk off and watch TV. So yeah, I guess we're not really friends.
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
I made a powerpoint to trip to.
you are so studious.
Just got caught by my boss looking at porn on the work computer & he decided to utilize this time to look with me. Not sure if this is good or bad.
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
Randomize
