So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
The best feeling....farting and having the bubble hit your balls
found an empty one..2nd door on the right...i'm already naked.
I just heard a girl in all seriousness say, "I told him I'm not a stalker. I just really really want to talk to him."
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
It's like I paid NJ Transit $33 to suck his dick and go home. Fuck that.
Please don't tell me I was shouting "I'm bleeding from my vagina" in front of my ex-boyfriend and his new girlfriend.
He probably tastes like german chocolate and coffee beans
Seriously though, my ovaries are trying to crawl out of my body and into his pants.
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
I fell on my face, puked, and had to be rocked to sleep in a hammock. I'd say Europe is a success
who the fuck is meatball and why is he telling you to nap on the bar
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
still drunk on my way to class to give my presentation on the negative affects of alcohol on the body. hell yes.
Randomize
