I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
she was pretty happy for someone in the middle of a herpes outbreak, how was i supposed to know?
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
Okay. I really need to get out of this guys bed and get home. It's two in the afternoon. He's not even HERE.
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
So worth it. Come over for bacon egg cheese vusquit later. 12. I slept with Jimmy? On my period? And told him he had mother issues? No tequila. Tequila bad.
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
FYI the blow job was for papa johns pizza
I regret 8000% nothing
In another note. Thanks for making me get a vibrator. For real.
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
He’s disease free and drives a Porsche. What else does a girl need?
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