i'm signing you up for texting rehab
Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
He said he wanted to see my room, not my womb. It's a common mistake.
She bought a fucking hedgehog. And that's just the tip of the crazy iceberg.
vodka bottle broke. scooping it out of the plastic tub with a shot glass into a sprite bottle using a ziplock bag as a funnel and straining the glass out with paper towels. good thursday night?
Just so you know swallowing does not help chest colds. Your Phd can suck my dick
Just to prove a point, she called and ordered a pizza 10 min before she ordered the blow and it still got here first. I may never leave LA.
I told you!!! And that is why he's the drug dealer to the stars.
I would lick a homeless mans crack teeth for a cup of coffee right now.
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
Because the guy guy doing the drawing either wanted to bone, or wanted us to stop entering the contest. Either way, we got concert tickets so I'm cool with both scenarios.
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
I feel like dick that good should always be within a five kilometre radius of me.
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
At Target. Everyone is stocking up on food and flashlights for this storm. I stocked up on beer. Dont judge me, it was on sale...
Randomize
