I just made this asian woman on the boardwalk that was giving 20 dollar massages upset after I asked her if a happy ending comes with it.
i just found out that washing ur bong in the dishwasher works. its been a productive day
This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
if tampons were more like dildos the world would be a better place
he locked me out then poked me with a fork when i tried to get in through the window
Meet me at the corner of "what the fuck" and"how'd you get in my bed" in 10 minutes.
Weirdest sensation ever: having your penis fall asleep. It was like tiny hulk hogan was choking it out
Youll thank me when youre dead an dont have a cat eating your face
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
If you send me another picture of a donut on your penis while I'm at work, I may have to slap you With the donut.
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
we didn't even throw knives this time! it was just the carrot peeler
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
Lunch?
Massage?
Spanking with handcuffs?
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
Randomize
