How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
i walked in on him listening to enya, jacking off, and vomiting into a cup on his desk. are you serious.
My professor complimented me on the well drawn penis on my face then asked if I would like a seat closer to the garbage can.
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
And by "got a tattoo" i mean i got a tattoo in the dorm bathrooms with a guy using his cousin's tattoo gun.
The least you could do before I go into your room is throw away the condom wrapper from the other girl I know you're banging.
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
How am I feeling this morning? Well, besides the fact that my vagina looks like a pair of giraffe's lips and I'm walking like an over-confident cowgirl, I'm fantastic. Thanks for your concern.
I'm a bit offended I got no nudies back but it's whatever
They're in the mail. Snapchats too fast. I want the suspense.
Dude you spoke to a girl about CRICKET. She MUST want sex
If a treadmill opens up I'll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth
So what if you don't want to be with your family. Go drink alone and watch Netflix like a normal person, don't be productive!
We’re leaving where are you
Hold on Toxic just started playing
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Randomize
