no... you woke up naked next to the toilet because you said your outfit was too cute to throw up in
we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
i got totally wasted at 2pm and cleaned the house bc i was bored. my mom now supports my alcohol problem
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
I feel like I can hear facebook. What did we smoke?
Hey it happens. Think of it this way- you didn't wake up in jail, your face wasn't inexplicably busted and you still have all your teeth. In this group of friends, you're on top!
Bro, I just googled 36 year old pussy so when I do see it I won't be shocked.
My whole family just stopped to look at me and aknowledge how fucked up I am.
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
listen. he fixes things. buys me drinks and sticks his penis in my vagina. age means nothing at this low point in my life.
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
Please tell me that nice older woman you're with at the bar is not your comp&lit professor.
Randomize
