Let's hustle tonight so we can relax tomorrow
Perfect. Like where your heads at
By relax I mean have sex
god please explain to me why there's blood underneath my fingernails AND toenails?!?!
Dude To be completely honest I don't think you want me to.
I can't believe he cheated
Whatever. Anytime she has an orgasm, it's because I taught him how
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
I'm going to superglue stuart's hands into socker boppers
Im sorry that my initial plan of you grabbing his dick didnt work out but Im glad you grabbed his heart
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
if all that ever happens for the rest of forever is drinking wine and eating popcorn, ill be okay
I raged so hard that I was so hungover today I threw up out of a car window going 50mph cause my parents didn't pull over quick enough ...sorry to the people behind us
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
Ultimate fat girl moment: I promised him my mouth for the night if he bought me a funnel cake..
That said I did get head on the roof of a 15 story building which, regardless of quality, is still cool
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
My roommate just angrily told the cat he should have knocked, but that's not lockdown madness. They're always like that.
Randomize
