I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
No, I didn't like him that much. But I took one for the team. And by the team I mean me and my vagina.
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
Actually let's just focus our energy on not getting committed to a psych ward.
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
Dude I turned down free booze. I think I'm growing as a person.
I should have known when she said it would be "fun" we'd end up in the hospital
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
About the whale....I wasn't completely awake.
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
Randomize
