Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
I can feel the fear and stress bubbling in my stomach. Or maybe that is the pregnancy.
Omg. I have a story to tell you later about that girl that just crawled on stage
Yeah, you're right, it's a conspiracy against you. This small tight knit group of people who don't like assholes.
those kids just got delivered to the party by the pizza guy
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
Woke up in your shoes. Please tell me you woke up in mine
Well you were hungry, by then you cried and called yourself a basic bitch for eating crackers
Got to work this morning and thought... Did I really dance on that pole last night
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
I fucked the midget version of a backstreet boy and I am not mad about it
I'll get the most aesthetic strap on, you'll see
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