My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
we were exchanging secrets last night... she told me about how she put markers in her vaj in middle school. found a keeper.
you went up to their shower, tripped in it, accidentally turned it on and then claimed that you like to "test everyone's showers"
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
the way i see it, im about one adderall binge away from graduating
he thanks me after handjobs.
you found the perfect man.
Sophomore year, I fucked on your desk chair. I'm sorry. I love you.
Quick question. What's the protocol on going back to a bar after going home with one of their bartenders?
Go back and try to find another to go home with.
I'm not really into her personality. Not that we've ever looked for personality in women.
That's only a quality to look for in a second marriage.
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
I just held a marble with my kegel muscles for 5 min. You may call me COCKCLAMP 9000!!!!
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
OH MY GOD REMEMBER ALL THAT I LOVE NEW YORK I DVRED BECAUSE I JUST DID
I will be the DD but everyone has to call me Mistress
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