im gonna put my furry chinchilla vagina on her mother effing nose
Sorry about last night..I didnt realize how drunk you were and when I closed the door it caused you to slam into the mirror...you'll probably piece together the puzzle when you read this and see your hand.
I feel like I'm in a bed a bagels and mistakes.
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
That one dude should feel honored if he were to get herpes from you. Fuck that Guy. He is a herpe.
But the Super Mario beer pong table is more than appropriate.
My night can be summed up in 3 words: Vodka. Threesomes. Hospital.
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
How the fuck am I supposed to enjoy a third ice day from school if I only bought enough alcohol for 2?
I don't know, maybe act like an adult who teaches children for a living
It's like we're not even friends
Monday funday. I brushed my teeth with antibacterial soap. hangover I did not have.
But on the plus side, what he lacked in size he made up for with speed. And grunting.
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
It's a sad day when you're not really phased by the McChicken video only because you've seen weirder porn.
It took me longer to jump start my car and get to his house than the fucking actually took.....
I'm just now realizing I've slept with guys from three different decades over the past year. That's gotta be some sort of record.
Randomize
