looks like were buying each other an abortion for our one year present...
girl is pretty boring. i'm gonna see if she'll let me finger her.
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
he came in the shower with me...i thought it was going to be nice and romantic...until he started peeing on my leg.
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
I am so proud of him. After eating the rest of our shrooms, he finally registered to vote
Apparently my face was in the trashcan and in between throw ups I was screaming LOS DIABLOS. I woke up this morning with a bird flying around my room. Nobody seems as concerned as I am.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So your bra was hanging in the Christmas tree last night at some point I think
Also... I'm unsure what to do with my face while someone is choking me during sex. Like I feel like its hard to look flattering.
It just smells like spaghetti and despair.
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
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